I’m coming clean with a bit of truth for you

Leslieann Hobayan
7 min readJul 26, 2022

[This was an email I sent to my community but feel that it deserves a wider audience to reach those of us who are called to be in service of others, but often lose sight of our divine path when we get caught up in the DO-ing.]

Hey love,

Confession: I’ve been dealing with mild depression for the past month or so.

I haven’t been eating well… or regularly, for that matter. I haven’t been sleeping well, or enough. I have been unmotivated to move my body outside of what’s necessary (which is to say that my yoga practice is at the bare minimum and my aerobic activity, non-existent). I actually haven’t been motivated to do much of anything. Except for maybe bury myself deeper into the covers.

This may or may not surprise you, depending on how well you know me and where I am at in my life. But if I’m being honest, it does come as a little surprise to me.

After all, I’ve got all the embodiment practices and healing tools I need. I have the self-awareness to see things for what they are. And that should be enough, right?

Not always.

You might also be wondering: but if this is true, how in the hell have you been writing all of these emails and making all of those social media posts and recording those podcast episodes?

Good freaking question! One that I’ve been asking myself lately.

To be clear, I am not “pushing through” though it might look that way to some.

So what’s the difference?

I love sharing my knowledge, my experiences, and my stories. It’s not “hard” work for me to do this, but, admittedly, it’s hard to feel excited sometimes to do it. At least lately.

Which is why I’m coming clean about where I am at right now. I’m not going to fake being happy or problem-free. I talk about being your authentic self ALL the time — so why would that stop with me?

I’m sharing this with you today because I’m “supposed” to be telling you about my new program, Embodied Healing, that helps women of color through the stages of alchemy to heal old trauma so that they can step into the light of who they truly are — a process very similar to my own journey. I love who I am today and how I navigate the world. I truly do. It’s a miracle and a wonder! And I want others to feel this way too, to experience life as the magic it IS!

But after yesterday’s free workshop, Saying YES to Yourself, I felt MEH. Like, big time MEH. There was something off, energetically. So, naturally, I had to go investigate.

What did I discover?

I was doing the very thing I’m telling you and everyone in my community what NOT to do! I was doing what other people were telling me to do (namely, in this case, a particular business program… “follow the instructions” they said even though it didn’t feel aligned for me. So I did it anyway.) and NOT following my intuition. And I didn’t even realize it until after the workshop.

Say what?? How does that even happen??

Self-sabotage is so sneaky! Ninja like. Especially as you grow in awareness. (To be fair, “sabotage” doesn’t feel accurate but I can’t quite find a suitable word at the moment.)

When we are out of alignment, we act out of desperation. We lose our way and turn to others for guidance, for others to show us the way back. We look externally. GAH! This is what I did!

My depression has been an indication that I have been SERIOUSLY out of alignment. At first, I didn’t know what was going on. I thought it was just me moving through the natural stages of this big transition in my life as I moved out of the divorce process and into a new chapter of my life. I was grieving the old me and my old life (which is partly true, but not the whole picture). But, with further internal inquiry, I found that it has been a sign of significant misalignment.

I haven’t been writing. At all.

And I’m not talking writing emails or social media captions or ad copy and whatnot.

I’m talking:: poems, stories, lyric essays. The life force of my very being.

I’ve been so busy trying to help other people with my programs and workshops and all the other things I create that I forgot to take care of MYSELF FIRST! (Uh, isn’t that what I’ve been talking about the past several days? Hello! Put your own mask on first, dagnabbit! Haha!)

Whoa.

Thankfully, I have good people around me — my soul fam, my chosen fam — who are the BEST mirrors. They showed me what I was doing. They didn’t point out “Hey, you’re doing such-and-such. Cut it out.” They told me what they noticed. And we talked about it. It took a while, but I finally FINALLY saw it. And GODDAMN if we don’t teach the very medicine we need! WHOOOSH!!!

That said, here’s what I want to share with you:

  • I am a tarot reader and I love it. It lights me up. If you want to get some insight on some stuff under the surface of things in your life, book a reading. Folks have told me I have a gift of channeling messages from beyond the 3D world. I just do and say what feels aligned. And if that’s considered channeling, cool. If you want, you can book here: https://thepoetspriestess.com/tarot-reading
  • I have a program called Embodied Healing that takes women of color through the stages of alchemy (it’s not for the faint of heart!) with embodied healing practices to support the transformations that happen on a healing journey. If you want to learn more about it, I can show you the stages of alchemy and what happens during each part. (short video coming) And then you can decide if you want to be part of it or not. No fancy language. No trying to convince you (not that I really tried doing that to begin with). Either it feels aligned for you or it doesn’t. Simple as that. If you want to check out the overview video, email me and I’ll send the link. The program starts next week (8/1)!
  • But ABOVE ALL: I am a poet and a storyteller and I LOVE to write. It lights me up like nothing else does. It is my breath, my life force. I do not exaggerate (see: current bout with depression). I will not use my gifts for copywriting (except for my own business. Maybe. Haha!) but instead to share my lived experiences with the intention of providing opportunities for connection with other humans, other spirit-souls. It is SO essential to our well-being and our aliveness to know that we are not alone in our human experiences, that we are NOT isolated or singular. We are all connected. We just forget sometimes. I am here to remind you and everyone that reads my words that we are connected. And we are connected in love, whether we feel that or not (sometimes it’s hidden deep).

What does this all mean?

For now, it means, I’m going to SLOW the eff down. I’m going to use the month of August to take a break from trying to build big business things. I might offer a few small things here and there (anyone want to meditate with me??)- ONLY the things that feel aligned, the things that spark excitement within me (like a cartwheel workshop! Who’s in?? 😄 ). EXAMPLE: I do have a WRITING RETREAT coming up at the end of Sept (9/30–10/2) that I am soooo looking forward to, so if you’re interested in that, let me know! There’s only 6 spots but there’s going to be SO MUCH FREAKING MAGIC during those 3 days — ooooh! I can’t wait! Email me if you want to grab a spot before they’re gone (includes your own personal private writing studio! say what??).

Thank you, friend, for being here. For reading all the way to the end. For being fully present and receiving what I am offering here with this message. I’ll touch base from time to time but for now, I’m going to dive into recommitting to my writing and cultivating a practice that serves my highest good. I’m wishing you beautiful summer days ahead.

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Leslieann Hobayan

Poet. Activist. Healer. Professor. Author of DIVORCE PAPERS: A SLOW BURN (Finishing Line Press, 2023)